In Love With Someone Unattainable

This is a tale of heartbreak.

I was already in love with someone when I met him. I shall call him 'A' only. In this story I made a fool of myself so many times that I can not even begin to describe. As I said, I was already in love with someone,and close to tying the knot, when I first met him. Our first encounter went smoothly enough. But ever since, I had dreams about him...

When he smiled at me, I couldn't understand the feeling. As if there was a string around my chest, which was tightened. My heart ached for that smile. I couldn't figure it out. Funny, I don't remember what he was wearing that day, but I remember that smile. It was like I was standing in a big green field, and smelling wild flowers.

I asked him out on a date and he refused. I went into overdrive and lost my sleep for one week. Ultimately I made such a needy, vulnerable pest of myself that he got quite irritated with me. Can I blame him? No. Can I blame myself? No. I needed to see him smiling. If that means I will never get to tell him that I loved him, so be it.

But that smile... I live for that smile and that face. I stay up all night looking at his window, waiting for him to come and shut the door, so I can see his face once. I wish to hold him, kiss him, and take all his pain in my hand and erase it. But I am not allowed to. I want to sit beside him all night and watch him sleep. I want him to kiss me back, stroke my hair and smile his sweet smile at me. But I am not allowed to.

I fell in love with a man, who is not mine to love. What am I going to do with this heart? I gave it to him, can't take it back. I will leave this place, probably forget all about him, move on with my life, and be happily married. But that smile... I wish I could describe better how it felt to see him smile.

Dreams and patterns

A girl is allowed to dream. But I dream a lot more than average women. Always have, always will. But what's shocking is how much of that is done while being awake. One of my dreams was to watch a movie with my boyfriend and eat popcorn or something more substantial. Unfortunately none of my boyfriends shared my taste in the art of cinematography. I have had too much of this nonsense. What's wrong with the world? I like good movies, likable movies. Why can't I ever have a boyfriend who likes the same movies that I do? And that doesn't even begin to describe my list of dissappointments in the boyfriend department. One thinks I am too strong and independent, another thinks I am too immature and need protection. Why can't I be in the middle? World is not all in black and white, why can't I belong to grey? I admit that I have a bit of duality in me too. One day I feel strong and confident, ready to take on the world, scoffing anyone who dare take care of me; next day I am moody and depressed, kind of in a cranky mood, biting the head of anyone who speaks to me, or smiles at me; the third day I am an angel, and I can't understand why everyone is giving me a wide berth, no doubt remembering my behaviour the previous two days. But I can't figure it out. The next day, I am vulnerable and a mass of nerves, and I just want to be taken care of like a child. I guess I understand why none of my botfriends ever understand me. But this is my pattern. crazy pattern, no doubt.

A Shockingly Aching Stomach

My stomach rarely gives trouble, but when it does, it does so with a vengeance. Just today, I came back from office and had a bowl of soup. Shortly after, my stomach began to roll like stormy sea. I could feel it writhing like a wounded serpent, like the proverbial Kracken. I could not sit up, could not lie down. Just sort of propped on one elbow, the other hand clutching my stomach, ashen face, grunting breaths, oh I was a picture indeed. I skipped dinner tonight. And as I write this, I am sipping pinapple flavoured saline water. It tastes horrible. But as always, I am an optimist. So I raise my glass to a better tomorrow...

The Coolest Boss Ever

My initial fear about becoming a professional and being in service gradually passed when I got the hang of most things. Only problem was, when you start doing work, you start making mistakes too. It's like that old proverb in my native language--- "Who talks a lot, tells a lot of lies too". But this was a particularly humiliating experience, since I didn't know how to correct the mistakes I had made... But my boss made this part easier. He was a brilliant person, who had all sorts of magical solutions for all sorts of weird problems inside his head. He rarely lost his temper, almost never scolded anyone, and absolutely never failed to solve any problem. Only today I made a whole bunch of errors. In my defense, I had been a little under the weather since morning, but I won't make excuses. I behaved like a dumbass today, and made mistakes only a dumbass would make. First I forgot how to do a particular thing that I had done several times in past. Then of course I asked him how to do that, and got the answer. Very well. Enter the dumbass. I made my first mistake doing that simple thing. And problem was it could neither be deleted, nor modified. After I was done scratching my head and cursing myself mentally and looking hopelessly at the piece of paper that was my doom, I went to his chamber and stated my problem. He must have thought that I was a blundering baboon. But if he did, he didn't tell me that. Instead, he told me how to correct it. The process involved writing a whole lot of things, but after a considerable amount of time it was done... Then I made the second mistake. It was even weirder than the first. My first impulse upon discovering the problem was to clutch a lock of my hair and pull it out. But seeing as it won't solve anything, I again went to his chamber, all the time wishing I were someone else. He was a bit surprized to hear about the problem. As I said, it was really weird. But nevertheless, he again told me how to correct it. After another 20 minutes it was done. I was emotionally drained, exhausted and thoroughly humbled. But in all this mess, I couldn't help but admire the person who showed me the way, and didn't scold me or even glared at me. I wouldn't have minded if he did...but he didn't. We don't often be thankful for the things we already have, but as I started to think what would have happened if there was another person sitting in that chamber, I realized I should be thankful. I am a lucky person indeed.

A ginormous crush

I had been in love before, of course. Love is awesome, love is like a drug. It gives you a kick now and then, but if you get addicted, sooner or later you will get your heart broken. So it's better to treat love as an occasional treat, but nothing more. Or so I thought. I saw Him on 1st february. Granted, He scared the crap out of me that day, but there was something else too. Why was I afraid? Well, every girl's allowed to be on edge to be dealing with a huge man who weighs at least 30 kg more than her, has a voice like rumbling thunder and altogether terrifying exterior, and also speaks in another language. But I was sort of intrigued too. I saw Him everyday. Spoke (sometimes using sign language...) to Him. But I was not comfortable around him. I spoke in mono-syllables, avoided eye contact, always approached Him with company, and only nodded when He spoke to me. I also constantly blushed when He stood near me. Thankfully my dark skin covered the worst of it. But I could feel it. The warmth spreading through my cheeks, ears and back of neck; slightly trembling hands; rapid breathing; and the tendency to make silly mistakes in whatever I happened to be doing at that time. I was restless. I had to do something about Him. But I was drawing a blank. I searched facebook for a day and half, until finally I found Him. But I dithered. I couldn't send Him a friend request, we didn't have a mutual friend, what would He think? So I searched His friend list, found three people I knew, sent them friend requests, and just waited. It took three days for the wheels to move. All three had accepted my friend request. I had a reasonable excuse to send Him a friend request. So I did just that. And He accepted it... We started chatting. I did my best to appear cool and casual and not at all vulnerable. But soon He started noticing that I only talked to him in a virtual platform. I was still too awkward around Him. So we went around the usual path- the five stages of falling in love. 'Appreciation', 'Infatuation', 'Attraction', 'Impression', 'Conviction', 'Reaffirmation' and finally 'love'. Needless to say, most of it happened on virtual platform. I will never forget the time when He asked me if I loved Him. My knees went weak, I dropped the pen I was doodling with, and couldn't answer for a few minutes. But then I did... I went to bed as the happiest girl that night. We've been in love since then.

Shoes, Chair and Feelings of inadequacy

My job was not boring, not by any means. But the constant stream of customers terrified me. Mostly because I didn't know how to answer their questions. There were other things too. I have never been in any sort of a professional environment. I didn't know how to behave with my colleagues. Should I be friendly? Should I be a professional and talk to them only about work? How should I react when one of them makes a joke? Also, I felt continuously apologetic for my ignorance and incompetence. Everyone else worked so hard all day long. I just sat on a chair and pretended to be busy, but in reality, I was as much useful as a band-aid on broken leg. I felt so awful about that, I can't even begin to describe. Once I went to kitchen and scrubbed the surface of the slab just to contribute in any way I could. I had never known that being unuseful could cause so much despair. There were other problems too- the chair and the shoes. The chair swivelled too much and my sneakers slipped on the shiny floor all the time... I was constantly afraid of falling down in front of customers and make myself the butt of jokes for the rest of the month. One day my worst fear came true... I was sitting on a chair and sort of leaning onto another empty chair, when my colleague Finny called me to pass him a pen, I took my hands off the chair to grab the pen, and immediately fell ass-first on the floor. I hurt my backside pretty hard, but couldn't rub it or anything. I only fell one more time in the branch. But it was a whole different kind of falling.

My First Post

I am a 26 years old woman. My life is not exciting enough so that people would like to read about it, but it has ups and downs, classic twists, tales of heartbreaks, rejoices and plain old fun. I was born in a sleepy little town in West Bengal, studied in a local school (let’s call it ‘Greenview High School’), went to a big university in Kolkata to study Applied Mathematics (Let’s call the University ‘Terranova University’, in short ‘TU’) , spent one year after getting my master’s degree trying to find my place in this world, couldn’t find it, came back to my hometown, started working in a big bank as a clerk (let’s call the bank ‘Fastlife Bank’). And that’s enough for an introduction. My story starts her, so let’s dive in. I joined Fastlife Bank on 29th January, 2014. That first day was scary. I have been to banks before, but I always stood on the other side of the counter, and went out as soon as I got what I needed. But this time I was sitting on the wrong side, unprepared in the extreme, and pitifully vulnerable. My first colleague was Kyle Halden. He was a nice enough person. I screwed up three times doing a simple job that day...but he didn't even mentioned it, and corrected me everytime. But I don't know why he scared me a little bit. But I would get to know him better later. I didn't have my password on the very first day. So I spent the day basically just sitting on a chair. There was another girl in the office, Shirley Bernstein. But on the first day I was so pathetically shy that I didn't even talk to her. Later I would become friends with her and come to know that she had thought that I didn't know how to smile. That wasn't her fault. I really did forget how to smile on that particular day. But I was terrified. I don't know whether the first days are always scary like this. I have had several first days- first day at school, first day at college, first day at a new hostel and so on. But I can only remember a faintly hopeful state of mind with a hint of nervousness and excitement. But the first day at a job is different. I felt like I had been free all my life, but from that point I was owned by a big-ass bank. That did little to lift up my mood. I eventually got through the day, went home and slipped under my blanket. But I didn't know that my whole life was about to take a big turn. Because now I know that this job has given me and taught me more than a whole life of studying by the night lamp. But more on that later.